Truth Be Told...

OK...So today started out pretty shitty I must admit...And as hardcore I sound with my words about getting over an X...It's not all that easy...And yes...I should of moved on by now...I mean HELLO it's been almost 2 months...I know it seems like forever ago...So I woke up this morning...on the couch...still having trouble sleeping in the bed alone...I know I'm weird...anywho...So it just hit me...I was sad as hell...went and got that BOX we all keep for some reason...with pictures...movie tickets...fortune cookie saying...you know what I'm talking about...and I just started balling...I mean...2 years of loving someone with all my heart and soul...and then one day it is just gone...I honestly think it would be easier if they had died...that way I would of had some type of closer...but I don't...and the sad thing is...I never will...And I only think of all of our good times we had...I was talking to an X today...Dock Guy...who knows The X-Factor and he told me about something he had heard he had done...and it was so awful...that even I was shocked that he could stoop to such level...Then I just shook my head and started remembering all the bad...all the lies he told...and he would have to tell one lie to cover up another lie...So pretty much the past 2 years of my life has been a lie and word vomit...There...I said it...I am not the know it all...I don't have all the answers...and I hurt like hell just like everyone else...But Truth Be Told...there is something that he can never take away from me...He may have taken and broke my heart and soul...But like Paw and the Song says...It's not easy being Fabulous...Well guess what world...That's one damn thing I got...Being Fabulous!!!

Snake In The Grass...

OK...So last night my mother tells me she bumped into The X-Factor at The Shire the other day...She said you could feel how scared he was...That he was just pacing the isles waiting for her to leave the deli counter...Then finally she said he came up on the opposite side and order his gizzards...She said he was beat red...I find it so funny that he is so ashamed that he can't even face my mother...The story kind of chocked me up at first...Just hearing his name does the same thing...I had some friends over last night for a bit and they were amazed at what all I had done for him...It seems like every time I'm almost to the point to where I can let go and let God...something happens...I have to remind myself everyday that he is nothing but a con!!! I don't know how someone as smart as me...fell for his shit and word vomit...It is so sad that people lie...and I look back now and realize how he used me for all I was worth...I really don't know if I'll ever get over this...I waited 20 years to bring someone to my family and introduce them...He was there for Thanksgiving...Christmas...New Years...How does someone do that...Two years of I love you's and then one day they are just gone...no explanation...no nothing...just gone...I'm just sitting here starring at the screen because I don't know what to say...Just be careful and watch out for...The Snakes In The Grass...

No...

So...last night as you know I had an X over...and after listening to all of the word vomit that I could...I finally told him to go back to his Fiancee'...I just couldn't do it...I mean...I had that done to me and it pretty much destroyed my life...well it did...It broke my heart so much that I don't know if I will ever be able to love like I loved him...So I said NO...I know it is a shocker...and I'm sure he went elsewhere and got his rocks off but all I know is that it was not with me and that is all that matters...Some of you have texts...in boxed...or E-Mailed me that I am the next Kerry...but that's not what I'm shooting for...Sometimes...actually most of the time...I don't have the answers...I am just letting you know about my life...like I said...because I know I'm not the only one going thru these things...and I don't want to go thru this life alone...So I have to live my life now...one day at a time...actually that is all any of us can do...because you never know what is going to happen in life...That's just it...The game of Life...Hope everyone enjoys playing...

Old flings...

So...today I had the weirdest thing happen...I got a text from an old fling...I didn't think anything of it at first...but then...I got that whole warm funny feeling...and one thing leads to another and I end up inviting him over...this being said...He is engaged...I mean really...why me??? Is this normal??? And of course all I remember are all of the good things about him...And we used to have a blast!!! We traveled...partied...and did things that would frighten fish...LOL...Then I don't even remember what happened...but we ended things...I'm sure he did what most of them do and cheated on me...Oh yeah that's right...I walked in on him and some girl...who knew we were together and still chose to screw him...Oh well that's the past...So...what do I do in this situation...I am to the point where I see so much cheating and betrayal that...like they say...If you can't beat them...join them...I know that doesn't make it right...and God love the poor girl he is about to marry...but in the end...I think everyone will cheat...I heard on the radio the other day that 1 out of 2 married men will cheat as far as a kiss goes and 1 out of 4 will cheat as far as sex goes...what happened to love...I mean really...is it out there...the good ole days of living like our grandparents is a thing of the past...Don't get me wrong...I want it...and I thought I had it...but once that rug has been yanked out from under you...will you ever really get over the hurt...I'll tell you what...I'm gonna try ...with an Old Fling...

Fools Rush In...

Ok...Maybe I'm just not meant for relationships...I know I told you that Cowboy Guy and I were gonna take it slow...but that damn vodka...5 drinks in me and I turn into something else...So I text him...Only due to the fact that when he was here...I had to know where we stood...I mean HELLO...I'm not going thru the same shit I went thru with The X-Factor...So I ask a simple question...Well his reply was "we need to take it slow...so let's just say we are discussing talking"...WTF does that mean...what are we discussing...The Weather...No...when feeling are involved I think you should know where you stand in a relationship...I was told everyday for the past two years how much I was Loved...Pretty much word vomit...So should I be OK with Cowboy Guys response...Well at the time I didn't think so...So I told him to F off...But now that I \think about it...at least he had the guts to be honest and give me a straight  answer...Maybe I just need to set back and relax and find myself again...You know how they say you have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with anyone else...I don't know what the hell that means...but I guess I'm gonna give it a try...I do need to start doing the things that I used to do before douche bag made me a Freaking Real House Wife Of The Dub...I miss taking pictures, showing my horses, and going out and being the center of attention...So buckle up...It's gonna be one hella ride...So in other words...This fool ain't rushing in to anything...

Trust...

OK...I know I kind of got on my soap box yesterday...about moving on...but I know...It is easier said than done...Even for someone as strong as I am...And it can be the smallest things that set you off...A song...a smell...and walking into a home you shared with the other person that left you and them not being there never makes it easy...So...when will this end...Honestly...I wish I knew the answer to that one...and doesn't it suck...because you only remember all the good about that person and not ALL the bad...So I have to remind myself of what he put me thru...That being said todays topic is trust...So you all know I've met someone...Cowboy Guy...He is kinda my perf!!! I mean...he is country...HE WORKS..and I think he is sexy...we've been friends for quite some time and have done our fair share in the past...but once he heard The X-Factor was gone...he dialed me up...I was blown away...So he came in this weekend and I really enjoyed his Company...But I caught myself not believing things he said only because I have been so hurt in the past...How do I ever trust again...I know he is a trust worthy guy and know I can trust him...but like I said...I have been lied to...stolen from...and now cheated on...how do I ever let someone else in...I so wish I knew all the answers...but I don't...I'm here to vent and maybe let someone else know I am feeling their pain...And yes...It's alot of pain...And like I said yesterday...I know in 5 years when I'm with Tom...Dick...or Harry...I won't give two shits about the douche bag...but getting there is the problem...Knowing that they have moved on and left you behind...Well I say screw it...Do what I do...Look at the picture above...I'm a happy camper...grinning from ear to ear!!! Sometimes we just have to put on our happy face and face the world head on!!! And when it comes time to trust someone...you know we are gonna go with our hearts and not our heads...But maybe that is what makes us so awesome...We have a heart and they don't...We believe in  happy ever after...and guess what...we deserve to be happy and we will be...and when it comes time to trust...Trust that we will be happy...Happy ever after...